“I'm Celibate.” “Yeah, you sell a bit here, sell a bit there.” Old joke, but I still find it mildly amusing. It's usually used as a form of put down, really saying; “don't be silly, someone like you couldn't possibly be celibate.” It is in a way reaffirming our beliefs about sex. A celibate person is seen as morally superior because they have used self control to avert the “sin” of sex and taken the mind over body spiritual path.

Of course, this is an incredibly judgmental attitude. We all have the right to a happy healthy sex life and if that means one partner or one hundred partners a week, then it doesn't make us more or less superior.

In fact the reality of the situation is that, from time to time, many of us are “celibate” for periods without choosing to be. Maybe our partner lives away from us, or maybe we get bored of going out on the pull, or maybe we go out on the pull nightly, but just don't seem to be able to pick up.

So why do we think of celibacy as such a good thing then? When for most of us it means a period of not getting what we would like in our lives. Like not seeing our partner, not being able to pick up, not feeling we can find the one we love, being bored of casual sex? Again it comes back to sex being perceived as something you do when you're being bad. It's naughty and if you happen to be having sex with someone of the same gender, then that’s even more naughty.

So many of us who are gay, lesbian or bisexual are riddled with guilt about how our sexual orientation is different from the majority. We can feel even more guilty if we find ourselves actually enjoying sex. If sex in our society is seen as dirty (check any tabloid cover), then what about gay sex? So, even though we are all celibate from time to time, we can find ourselves having admiration for the person who manages to “rise above such base temptations.”

It's important for me to point out that celibacy as a choice is as valid as non-celibacy. The idea of a happy healthy sex life extends to choosing when we want sex and where and how we want it, if at all. But we need to think carefully about why we have chosen it. Is it because we don't feel comfortable about ourselves? Is it because we feel it is sinful to have too much sex and we're somehow healthier in our minds by refraining from it?

Is it because we are afraid of sexually transmitted infections (STIs)? I know that organisations such as Gay Men's Health go out of their way to promote a gay positive and sex positive message. They are aware that their message of safer sex and using condoms and lube can sometimes be misinterpreted as “try and avoid sex”. So to counter-act that, they spend time promoting sex as a good thing for those who want it. In their counselling service, issues such as how people feel about themselves and their sexual orientation will come up quite a bit more than a counselling service attended by heterosexuals.

I wonder then, when I hear people extolling the virtues of celibacy, if in fact they're undoing some of the self-affirming we try to give ourselves. That by saying celibacy is a great goal they are maybe saying that those of us who have sex are somehow less worthy. The problem with that, if it is true, is that low self worth can actually change the decisions we make. “I don't care how drunk I get”; “I don't care if I can't get up in the morning, I don't have enough enjoyment as it is”; “I don't care if I have safer sex, I rarely get it anyway”.

Then, by being celibate for long periods of time, we can get out of the habit of having sex, and our “safer sex skills” diminish. We don't carry condoms with us because it's been so long that you needed one - it's pointless. Or we forget it's there, a crumpled out of date condom or dental dam that has sat in our wallets or bags for years.

So whilst we must not judge anyone who chooses not to have sex, equally we must value the virtues having sex can give us: increased practise in the skills of safer sex, a sense of self worth, and of course, not forgetting the fun it can all be, and realise that celibacy isn't always as wonderful as we might think.