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What now?

Everyone’s experience of living with HIV is different. As the news sinks in and you start to come to terms with what it means, you may feel like being by yourself or with your partner, chatting with a close friend or someone at the clinic where you were diagnosed. Take things at your own pace. Don’t rush into taking decisions or allow yourself to be coerced or bullied into doing things you may later regret.

Most things can wait for a while, this includes talking to your family or partner. For some HIV positive gay men, telling others about their status can be as traumatic as coming out as gay. It is important to think carefully about who you want to tell and why. Once you’ve told someone, you can’t take that information back. Telling someone of your HIV status is a very personal process and should be your choice. Obviously it can feel very natural to want to tell close relationships immediately, but the response may not be what you expect. It certainly doesn’t help to be dealing with other people’s crap while sorting out your own. The following may be helpful:

BE AWARE THAT TELLING PEOPLE MAY AFFECT YOU MORE THAN YOU THINK AND THEY MAY NOT REACT IN THE WAY YOU EXPECT.

DON’T TELL PEOPLE IF YOU DON’T WANT THEM TO TELL OTHERS.

PREPARE YOURSELF FOR THE QUESTIONS THEY MAY ASK OR THE ISSUES THAT MIGHT BE BROUGHT UP.

CHOOSE THE RIGHT TIME AND PLACE.

People have different reasons for coming out; telling a sexual partner who needs to know, telling someone who can help you get the support, advice and services that are appropriate to your needs. Whatever reaction you get to disclosing your HIV status, being positive is no reason to be ashamed.

Your health

There’s sometimes an assumption by professionals that because you’re gay you know what to do and where to go in relation to your HIV status. It may be difficult to gauge whether you’re getting the information you need and want, but if you have any doubts ask - or get a second opinion from a helpline or other organisation. All this can be overwhelming, particularly at a time when there’s a lot on your mind and you may be feeling very stressed and emotional. Whether you chat regularly with a mate, attend a group, phone a helpline, or seek professional help - don’t ignore your feelings.

Some find it difficult to ask for help or accept it, but there’s nothing wrong with asking for it, or getting it. We all need help once in a while - it doesn’t mean we are weak or incapable. Equally, saying ‘no’ doesn’t necessarily mean you are being awkward - so don’t feel guilty or afraid about saying it. The following tips are designed to make getting help and support easier, so you make decisions which suit you and meet your needs.

TRY TO DEAL WITH ONE THING AT A TIME.

FIND A DOCTOR OR CLINIC YOU LIKE. IF YOU DON’T LIKE THEM, CHANGE THEM.

MAKE DECISIONS IN YOUR OWN TIME.

TAKE TIME TO LEARN MORE ABOUT HIV AND HOW IT COULD AFFECT YOU. YOU DON’T HAVE TO BECOME AN EXPERT AND KNOW EVERYTHING. KNOWING MORE WILL HELP YOU FEEL MORE IN CONTROL.

HOW DO YOU MAKE YOUR LIFE HEALTHIER? MAYBE CHANGES TO YOUR DIET, HAVING MORE FUN OR DOING RELAXATION EXERCISES. EVEN IF YOU THINK YOU’RE A SCEPTIC GIVE IT A CHANCE. YOU CAN ALWAYS GO BACK TO CLUBS, DRUGS AND READY MADE MEALS - THEY AIN’T GOING NOWHERE!

LISTEN TO YOUR BODY, IT’S USUALLY PRETTY GOOD AT TELLING YOU WHAT IT DOES AND DOESN’T LIKE.

IF THERE ARE CHANGES TO BE MADE TO YOUR LIFE, THEY ARE RARELY DRASTIC OR WHOLESALE AND YOU DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM ALL AT ONCE. YOU HAVE TIME.

IF YOU’RE ATTENDING AN APPOINTMENT, THERE’S NOTHING TO STOP YOU TAKING SOMEONE. A LITTLE MORAL SUPPORT AND ANOTHER LISTENER CAN BE VERY HELPFUL.

When you’re speaking about your HIV, particulary in relation to HIV services, you may come across people whom you don’t know, don’t like or who don’t seem to understand what your needs are. Here are some tips to get you through:

BE HONEST AND DIRECT - SAY WHAT’S ON YOUR MIND.

CONSIDER TAKING NOTES AND PREPARING SOME QUESTIONS BEFOREHAND. THIS WAY YOU CAN TAKE THE INFORMATION AWAY AND UNDERSTAND IT BETTER IN YOUR OWN TIME.

LISTEN TO WHAT IS BEING SAID AND THINK WHAT YOU WANT TO SAY NEXT BEFORE OPENING YOUR GOB.

IF YOU’RE GETTING IRRITABLE OR ANGRY SAY SO, THEN TAKE SOME DEEP BREATHS AND TAKE A BREAK. IF YOU REALLY CAN’T HANDLE IT, LEAVE. YOU CAN ALWAYS GO BACK WHEN YOU’RE READY.

IF YOU’RE TOLD SOMETHING YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND, REPEAT WHAT’S BEING SAID IN YOUR OWN WORDS AND ASK IF YOU’VE UNDERSTOOD CORRECTLY.

There you go - it’s all about you taking control of your situation - at your pace. Only you can decide how to handle being HIV - handling it, dealing with it and being in control is what it’s all about.