Gay Men's Health: Scotland's Charity for Gay Men |problems

WELCOME TO GAY MEN’S HEALTH

We all have different kinds of relationships and have a variety of hopes and expectations when we start them and are in the middle of them. It isn’t all smooth sailing and sometimes things can go wrong. We are all human after all and whilst we can get a lot from being with a special someone, there can be problems.

Even the most meant-to-be relationships can have their share of hurdles; smaller obstacles are not only inevitable but can actually help couples learn to communicate with each other. But what happens when bigger things come into play – it isn’t necessarily the end of the relationship and time for bags to be packed!

There can be several ways to try to resolve a problem:

A commitment to respect each other’s opinions and listen to what is being said

Identify the actual issue

Tell your partner your specific complaint

Tell you partner how this makes you feel

Don’t keep a tally of “wins” and “losses”! This can be a really common problem where people keep an internal score against the other person and then use it as ammunition in a disagreement.

The problem can be that the record can become the most important factor in resolving a problem instead of trying to work out each specific issue on its own. It can mean someone has to get his own way or always try to have the last word.

There can be 5 principles behind resolving a problem:

What can you do?

You can try compromising – sometimes it really is OK to let your partner come out on top sometimes. It can be hard but it is better to wipe the slate clean before you try and tackle another relationship issue. If you are hard headed and only want to even up the score – then the whole problem can become confused and clouded with bad decisions being made that could damage your relationship.

Be aware of your language

When someone feels under attack – they will naturally defend themselves by attacking back. The problem will never be solved with this battle going on.

Stop using words like “always” and “never” – saying something like “ you never listen to what I say” undermines your credibility and you sound like you are exaggerating. It can turn into a “you said” debate with the real issue lost in the translation.

Instead, try saying things like “ I want to talk to you about how we listen to each other “

Don’t insult and name call each other – every time you do a little bit of your relationship gets damaged. Don’t try and belittle your partner – intimidation can make your partner feel angry and resentful. If you are being insulted, don’t retaliate but say “ I can’t keep talking to you if you are going to use that language” and offer to talk again later when he has calmed down. If he continues to be aggressive – there may be other reasons behind this. What is really making him angry? If you think that you are the person who loses your temper – you might to work out why this happens and what else is going on for you.

You do not have to stay with someone if there is a threat of violence but there may be ways to talk things through and honestly look at the anger in your relationship. Some of us may seem to blow our top but others can show aggression in more subtle ways. If you both have tried to work things out and it isn’t getting any better - maybe you want to think if they are the right person for you to stay with.

Don’t threaten each other – if you say “or else” you mean there is going to be a consequence there if you don’t get what you want. Few people respond well to a threat, hidden or not, and it could well encourage them to do the exact opposite. Instead try and say” here’s what I am going to do if you don’t respond to me”. You need to define what the consequence will be and keep it in perspective. Will you really leave him if he doesn’t take the rubbish out every Tuesday night?

Other things you could try saying –

“I’d like it if we could have time today to talk about something that is really important”

“I feel this is a problem we can work on together”

“This is really difficult to talk about but I want to tell you how I feel”

“I need you to listen to me and not say anything until I have finished”

“I am asking you to try and hear what I am really saying – we don’t have to fix the problem right now”

Focus on one issue at a time

Don’t steer off onto other directions – stay focused on one issue at a time. It can be tempting to derail the conversation if things get heated but it’s better to say “let’s continue to deal with the amount of time you spend at work and we can talk about when you want to go on holiday later”

Find the right time to talk

There’s a right time and place to get into big relationship discussions. Find somewhere quiet and comfortable – not in public. Make sure you have enough time to give to talking ... there is no point starting when you are just about to go to work or he has to get to a doctor’s appointment. It is better not to sort things out over the phone or even worse via text. If you have been talking for ages and it doesn’t seem like you are going to find a resolution, it might be better to end it and agree another time to finish it.

Say sorry

This is a short one – if you have acted in a hurtful or disrespectful way - apologise. You’re not perfect and you may have hurt your loved one. You might have said something in the heat of the moment that you regret so swallow your pride, apologise and ask for forgiveness. Also, you should expect an apology from him if he has hurt you.