Gay Men's Health: Scotland's Charity for Gay Men |faithfulness

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When someone acts outside the rules a couple have agreed, it can shatter a relationship. There can be a lot of feelings around and tensions can run high. Both people can lose something with the person who has been betrayed feeling they cant trust again – with the betrayer feeling guilty and judged.

It doesn’t have to be the end of a relationship – many coupes get over it and move on. It can take time and work but if both of you really want it to be resolved, it is possible. You might know what you both have to do but if not – here are some ideas that can help.

The person who has been betrayed needs to grieve for the “old” relationship, it’s OK to feel regret. Its better not to dwell in the past, sighing over how great things used to be. Things mustn’t have been perfect or the “affair” wouldn’t have taken place. Acknowledge both the good and bad sides of the relationship and how both of you contribute to these. Try and understand that your partner may be feeling hurt as well.

The person who strayed will be having a hard time as well. You may feel that you can’t really talk about how they feel in case you hurt other people even more. You may well feel guilt and sorrow not only for what you have done to your partner but also to the other person involved especially if there was some emotional attachments. You may bottle up a lot of anger, guilt and sorrow but also may miss the excitement and enjoyment from the other relationship.

There could have been a lot of the feel-good aspects there, which could be missed. There will have to be a lot of open talking and acceptance that this part of your life may be over. You need to look at the relationship and focus on what it is that you want to stay for and build on the positives. You will have to apologise for what you have done – it can be hard to say sorry but your partner needs to hear it from you to rebuild the trust that might have been lost. You will need to give assurances that it isn’t going to happen again – that it is over. You can’t keep running back to what was an escape route. If that is what you feel – then you should look at the reasons behind this. What are you trying to escape from and why?

If you want this relationship to succeed – you are going to have to give it time, put in some work and stick with it.